Balance

I'm sure many people struggle with balance.

Balancing careers and home life.

Balancing fun and serious grown up shit.

Then there's me, who adds more crazy to this crazy ass life! Trust me, I get it. I do it to myself. But, it doesn't mean shit doesn't get hard every once in a while. Like REAL hard. 

It's not a fun game to play, especially when you feel like you're failing at everything. 

I never once thought that I wouldn't work full time as an adult. Both my parents worked full time during my childhood, granted their full time schedules were very different than most of my friends' parents'. 

My dad was a pharmacist, so he worked every two days. Two days on (12 hour shifts), two days off. Worked every other weekend. 

My mom was a nurse and worked three 12 hour shifts, so she'd be home the rest of the time.

I always figured I'd work. 

My mom instilled in me that I should work, have my own stuff, never having to ask anyone for anything. 

So when I became an adult, the logical next step was to find a job/career that I loved and could grow into. Something that would be MINE. 

After having Mila, I knew I'd go back to work. I just didn't know how having a baby would affect me. Couple that with having a supervisor who was ice cold...it didn't make for a successful transition. 

I was told (several times) "you should make that baby follow YOUR schedule, she joined YOUR life"

Um. WHAT? 

This was in response to me saying I could not have 5pm status calls with clients. Due to Steve's schedule, there were (and still are!) 3 days each week that I needed to pick Mila up from daycare. And then get home and do our evening routine (dinner, bath, bottle/nurse, bedtime, etc). So having meetings that START at 5pm were not going to work for me. 

I was diagnosed with Postpartum Anxiety 8 months after Mila was born. 

I could not get a handle on life. 

Or work.

Both.

Together. 

Thankfully I worked for a company (at the time) that was amazing and worked with me. I was moved from under that supervisor (there were a few other remarks that were made...one of my faves "when are you done breastfeeding? I need you to be able to travel.") 

They allowed me to work in an internal department (meaning, no client interactions). 

I was able to leave 15 - 20 minutes "early" each day (made up my time during lunch or at home later) in order to do daycare pick up and miss the horrendous traffic. 

If I left the office at 4:45 and got to daycare by 5pm, I'd get home around 5:30pm. 

If I left the office at 5pm and get to daycare by say 5:20 or 5:25, it'd be 6pm or later by the time we got home. 

This is when Mila's bedtime was 6:45pm.

So yeah. I wasn't keen on seeing my kid for less than 30 minutes each night before bed.

5 days a week.

Just. Not. Gonna. Work. 

This was a change that had to happen - or I was going to lose my sanity.

You'd think heading out 15 minutes early wouldn't be a huge deal - and it wasn't. But here's the thing - no one at my old company wanted it to necessarily be "public knowledge" they just kinda wanted me to duck out. 

So, while I was able to head out a tiny bit early, I had this overwhelming amount of guilt - no one knew I had approval to head out early. They just thought (I assumed) that I was a slacker.

Did anyone know I'd log back on at 8pm? And do more work? Until roughly 10pm? 

Anyway, it worked fine for 2-3 years before they moved me back to my old department. I figured they needed me to stop being overhead and to start making them money. 

My schedule didn't shift that much and my new (AMAZING) boss was just that - super understanding (she had 3 girls of her own - college age) and she let me do whatever I needed to do. She trusted that my work would get done (it always got done!) regardless of where I was sitting. 

But again, it was like my "secret schedule" still. 

Then I got a new job, after 8 years with my former company (still love them!) but my new job - same industry, same type of job - they were front and center with their flexibility. I negotiated a fair amount and was upfront and clear with my requests: I need to be able to leave when I need to to pick up my kids - I have no help 3 days a week. I REFUSE to let my job take priority over my kids. I've spent enough years doing that. If my kid has a "thing" I want to be able to go. And not only do I want to be able to go, I don't want to feel GUILTY. 

When I asked if my hours could shift a bit (get in early, leave early), I was told "it's not an issue and several team members do that now for the exact same reason."

It helps that my new job doesn't start until 9am, whereas my old job started at 8:30. Plus, it's 10 minutes closer, too. So I get to work about 40 minutes before we open, and that allows me to leave a bit early as well. I don't leave THAT early but I head out around 4:35/4:40 each day. 

BOOM. 

Guilt-free. (Mostly - any guilt comes internally from me, not them)

There are only 20 of us who work in the this office.

I legit REALLY like every single person. 

I think that makes a huge difference - I don't feel judged. I walk right by an entire team each night because my door is near the main entrance. I'm greeted with "have a great night, see you in the morning" with smiles and niceness and sincerity. No petty shit going on here. 

And, the two supervisors are just really chill people - they want everyone to enjoy their jobs. They get that happy employees do good work.

But, balance is still hard.

Steve's schedule is both a curse and a blessing.

But, let's be honest and real for a sec.

I want his schedule! 

I don't want to work 14 hour days, but I still want to work only 3 days per week. I think that provides the much needed balance.

Hell, I'd work a 4 day work week and love it!

I'm finding that 5 days out of the house working is just a lot. Too much sometimes.

And it's not even about the type of work I'm doing. I enjoy my time while I'm at work. I enjoy the type of work I do.

It's simply being away from home that is exhausting.

And the fact that I don't have help those 3 days - it's go, go, go and it's all on me.

The awesome flip side is that after the 3 hard days, it's Steve's turn! I basically only get myself ready these days and head out the door. Of course I try to help a little before I head out the door, but mostly, Steve handles it.

And I'm grateful that because he's home with the girls alone, more than I am, that he truly does handle it all. I don't have to leave him 19 sticky notes to get through the day. I don't have to tell him what to make for lunch or anything like that.

He's been more of a stay at home parent than I have been, for the girls' entire lives.

I'm grateful and I'm jealous.

When I get the chance to work from home (my job is pretty flexible and I can work from home if needed), I feel like I have a ton more balance. I can get a load (or two!) of laundry done so I don't have to spend my weekend hours doing it. I can get grocery shopping done during a lunch break, again so I don't have to use my weekend hours to do it (and drag the kiddos with me!).

I can have dinner ready so when the girls get home, they can just eat and not wait around for me. That right there gains us 30/45 minutes and we can use that time for something else! Playing! Reading! Outside!

After having Ava (and I was diagnosed again with postpartum anxiety), Steve told me that he'd work 6 days per week to allow me to stay home with the kids. He said "I'd do my job for 3 days, then I'd wrench the other 3 days and that way, you can stay home with the girls" and I absolutely LOVE him for that.

But I told him no.

Why?

Because I don't want my husband working 6 out of 7 days.

Just so we can afford for me to stay home.

I want my girls to spend time with their dad. I want them to make memories together.

We'd miss him horribly.

And, to be really honest, I had zero interest in staying home full time with my kiddos and feeling trapped in the house. I wanted to be able to go do fun activities, sign them up for things, DO stuff with them. Not just stay in the house with them. That would drive ALL of us nuts.

Him working that much would make it so we could afford our house and our cars. And for me NOT to work. But that's probably about it. (Currently as it stands, I bring home just about 50% of our HHI - we have a friendly competition going on with who makes more money - it's been VERY close for the last 15 years).

But, it would mean no more going out for fun things, no more dates, no vacations unless we hard core saved for that particular vacation.

No way we'd even consider having a second home. (Which isn't a reality at this point, but without my income? It'd likely never happen.) Not only could we probably not afford it, but Steve wouldn't have 4 days off a week to maintain it. Or enjoy it, for that matter.

I didn't want to give all of that up. Not for me. Not for the girls and not for Steve.

I told him recently that my goal is to be able to drop down to part time. At some point. Not now, not next year, but maybe some day in the future.

I want to enjoy my kids before they don't want to spend time with me.

One thing I DO know:

Is that my headstone will not say "I wish I spent more time at the office."