Month One of Single Living

It's been almost 2 months but I figured I could do monthly updates about my new, single life. 

Wiener seems to be loving this life...a lot of couch and blanket time for this little Weenie.

I needed a way to keep her out of the girls' bedrooms because because she will pee in their rooms - WHY? I don't know. She's not house trained exactly, I need to take her out frequently and not come back inside until she's done. 

We had a glorious, 60 degree day in October. I opened the balcony door and enjoyed the nice breeze. 

My BFF got a WIENER DOG!!! Her name is Penny and she's 3lbs. 

It's safe to say the girls are OBSESSED with the tiny wiener. 

Still trying to make sure the girls spend quality time with my mom. 

I think we've settled into this apartment for the most part. I have amazing friends who have helped me put things up to help make it more homey and less hotel-like. I got my couch, my desk, and a few other pieces to make things feel more complete. 

The girls are amazing rockstars who have assimilated well...I still struggle with the fact that this is not their "home" even though I know it's not about the place, but about the people. Dad's house will always be their real "home". 

We don't have a set schedule, but it's been planned out until next June. We are sharing 50/50 custody and at this point it's going rather smoothly. I filled out a calendar and made sure everyone had copies. They pretty much split the week - Sunday - Wednesdays with one parent and Wednesday PM - Saturday night with the other, give or take. We are being very flexible because we are focused on the kids and we refuse to make it a volatile relationship.

It's weird not to have the girls here. But it's also kind of nice? The house stays clean. I don't have to do anything for anyone. I can be lazy. I can have "girl dinner" which is like a handful of chips and a few M&Ms or something.

I've been busy though. I'm trying to take care of my soul and do things that just make me happy. I've been spending time with friends. Going places on weekends. Eating good food. 

It's all in an effort to learn how to live alone, keep my mind distracted off the fucking horror movie of a life I'm living...but I'm finding peace. That's all I can ask for. 

I'm realizing that life is short and I do not want to regret anything.

When I go back to Steve's house for whatever reason - drop off or pick up Wiener if they are watching her for me, drop something off for the girls or whatever....I get sad. Like, really sad. That was my house. I found that house. I decorated that house. I made that house a home and I had to give it up. 

I've enjoyed living close to things...even though I miss the country life. I can finally get groceries delivered. We can get food deliveries if I'm lazy and don't want to cook OR go pick up food. 

I see Ava every day. On the days that the girls are with Steve, he drops Ava off with me so she can get on the bus from here. The bus picks up late here, so it works out. I only see Mila on days I have her.

So far it's working out well. I mean, as well as it can go for being newly separated. 

Separation agreement paperwork is ongoing and is taking a while to complete. We are still waiting for Steve's lawyer's redlines. Then my attorney will review with me and if I'm good with it, then I sign. 

I also had Steve draw up a bill of sale for the Quad so he owes me for that as well. 

Things are moving along, albeit a bit slower than I'd like. I do realize it's still going much faster than average and I should not complain. It's truly because he's not fighting my requests. We all know he can't really and maintain any sort of relationship with me. 

I'm hoping each month brings a new sense of peace and relief for me. 

Since it brings me so much happiness, it IS time to decorate for Christmas! So that will bring me immediate joy, even if it's not long-lasting. It'll at least bring me joy until Jan. 1. 

Day One of Living Single

You guys.

This whole last week has been pure insanity.

Moving sucks. 

I didn't have any help, other than the moving company who sent two guys. 

Let me back up a moment.

Tuesday was as normal as it could be. Steve was in a mood, of course,  as he realized I was actually leaving. 

I had to sign my lease and pick up keys at 8:15am. This would give me enough time to get there, sign, do the welcome stuff and be back to the house by 9am to meet the movers.

They arrived just about on time and I was ready to rock and roll.

While the movers got all the large pieces and boxes I had packed, I went to work packing up my truck with all the miscellaneous items I had around.

We were packed up and headed to my new place around 11am. 

Unpacking went rather quickly and before I knew it, I was standing in my new apartment, surrounded by boxes and filled with hope. 

I've never lived in anything brand new. 

This kitchen, you guys! It's not big, but it's gorgeous. 

Wiener checking things out. She's not the biggest fan of walks. 

I left all of my home decor at Steve's house. I picked up a couple of things because I just needed it. I'll grab the rest of my stuff in the next day or so.

My very first Instacart order. 

It's been a long-ass day and I'm exhausted. 

The dicotomy of feelings is unreal. Extreme sadness coupled with extreme feelings of hope. 

Here's to the next chapter. Things can only go up from here. 💖

Moving Out

You guys.

This post is both incredibly sad and yet incredibly exciting all at the same time. I never knew I could feel two emotions that are on such oppposite ends of the spectrum, but, here I am.

During the last month, while I've been preparing for the dissolution of my marriage, I found an apartment. 

I hate that I'm paying more than my mortgage (that I currently split with Steve) to live in apartment that is less than half the square footage of my house. My "dream" house at the time I bought it. My forever home. I said I would never move again. I swore they'd have to take my dead body out of this house.

I went back and forth on what kind of place I could see myself and the girls in. I know I can't buy a house right away - I don't want the pressure of being homeless while trying to find the "right one." I want to do something easy for right now. I do NOT have the mental capacity to worry about anything additional.

I went to my first apartment tour just to get my bearings. I have never lived in an apartment complex, other than college. I have never lived in anything new, either. 

The first one was just ok. It was renovated, which was nice, but it was tiny. Two bedroom. Two bath. Tiny. If it's going to be a two bedroom, it'd have to be a bit larger since my girls would have to share a room. We'd be on top of each other. It just needed a little more breathing room. Especially since I work from home...I'm home a lot. I don't want to feel trapped. That is a huge trigger of mine. 

This rent was just under my mortgage. Gross. And it did not include utilities. A washer and dryer in unit would cost an additional $100 (or I could buy my own).

The second place I toured was...um...nothing short of amazing. 

Brand new complex, just outside of town in a rural area.

The Clubhouse alone was absolutely outrageous. 

Three bedroom, two bath, washer/dryer in unit. Water, sewer, trash, cable/Internet is included in the rent. 24-hour maintenance (I hope that means a maintenance man named something like Miguel who would be able to you know, service anything that I might need, lol). 24-hour gym. Pool. Pickle ball court, mini bowling alley, golf simulator. 

And it's gorgeous, to boot.

Oh and it has a huge balcony and an extra large one-car garage. 

Landscaping is included, but I can also plant my own flowers.

The bus comes right to the driveway, pretty much.

And the unit I chose backs to some green space, not directly into another unit, which is nice. 

Here's to the next chapter. Here's to finding peace and happiness again. 

Here's to healing so I can be the best mom I can be to the two best little people in the world - they deserve nothing but the best I can do. 

The day I signed my contract and put down a deposit. Mixed feelings of course. 

14 Years, 2 Months and 21 Days

That's how long my marriage lasted before I served my husband divorce papers. 

But in reality? My marriage ended about 2 years ago.