PTSD

It's been just over a year since Steve's back surgery. 

And about 3 weeks ago he started to have more back pain.

It started as what we thought (still think?) as muscle pain and we've been using one of those deep tissue TheraGun type massagers and it seemed to have helped a bit.

But then he started to get the dreaded sciatic nerve pain. Which as per usual, started in the buttcheek and radiated down.

He's been taking anti-inflammatory meds for about a week.

But we're now at the point again that he's using pillows to prop his feet up, he's leaning over to "stretch" that side.

And I'm a nervous wreck.

I know he's also nervous. 

This sucks so much.

When he had his surgery last year, they told us he had degenerative disc disease. So his discs are in shitty shape, he hasn't been doing his workouts, so he doesn't have the strongest core to help keep his back supported. And I understand why he's nervous about working out too.

So it just sucks.

I've been pushing my workouts off to the afternoon so I can get up and get the girls ready for school (or at least help him out). So I usually get up, get breakfast done and he will slowly get out of bed, stretch a bit, etc. and then go get the girls. 

I'll also pack their lunches and make my coffee before he takes over with finishing up breakfast with them, cleaning up a little and then making sure they get dressed, brush hair, brush teeth, etc. This is the time I take to get myself ready for the work day.

Then he takes the kids to school and comes home to do chores around the house or rest. 

The more he moves, the better he feels. But the fact that he has nerve pain...that's the most concerning and I'm legit terrified. 

If he sleeps on his stomach, which is his preferred way, he wakes up in a lot of pain. And it's not good for his back to be in that arched position. 

He forced himself to sleep on his back last night and he woke up feeling better. Granted, I swear he suffers from sleep apnea because his snoring is SO FUCKING LOUD. 

I know it's worse for him. But I don't think I can survive that again.

Granted this time the kids are in school full time. 

I don't want to get ahead of ourselves either and just immediately think the worst. But it's hard not to.

Three weeks. It's been going on for 3 weeks....

2-3 Weeks Post Surgery

Steve is 2 weeks post-surgery and he's still on the upswing in terms of recovery. 

THERE IS A PICTURE OF HIS SCAR BELOW. STOP NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.

He has yet to experience the rollercoaster he's we've been prepared for.

Which is great...

But mentally? It's tough on him.

To feel this good and knowing he can't do anything yet.

I'm constantly reminding him to take it easy. 

And I know it gets annoying.

But I just see the anxiety building in him and I can tell he's about to go do something.

But he won't.

He knows the risks of re-herniating and going through this shit again is NOT WORTH IT OMG SO NOT WORTH IT.

So he's hanging in there.

His post-op appointment is this Friday at 1pm.

He's hoping the doctor will clear him to go back to work the following week (the 19th).

3 weeks post surgery.

He's feeling really good still. 

He went to his post-op appointment on Friday, November 13 and the NP seemed surprised and commented that he's a "fast healer." 

He is still on restrictions - even though he HAS been cleared to go back to work! He still cannot lift more than 15 pounds, he cannot bend or twist in any way.

Staples were removed and things look good.

So. 

He goes back to work Thursday.

13.5-hour shift.

He's not supposed to stand for too long. Nor is he supposed to sit for too long.

Let's see how it goes. 

1 Week Post Surgery

It's been one week and we are feeling fine over here.

Steve says he doesn't have any pain really. Not even at the incision site.

No leg pain whatsoever.

He's able to put his own socks on.

And pants.

And underwear! 

No more getting kneed in the face!!!!

But on a serious note - while I'm so glad he's feeling so well at this point, I keep reminding him that this is a rollercoaster and not to have too high of expectations. He could feel great today and tomorrow maybe not. Even while it hasn't been the case, it can still be the case if he pushes himself too hard.

He's being good about not lifting anything.

He's resting for a couple hours and then is up walking around. He walks to the mailbox and back.

The site itself looks good too. No redness. No nastiness, just skin that looks to be healing. 

He did say he has a little pain in his left groin-ish area. Like a muscle pain he says. 

He's also still walking crooked. One hip is higher than the other. He's been over-compensating for so long, I'm sure that those muscles have contracted a certain degree and he'll need some PT to get full range of motion back.

He's feeling well enough to tackle some really light chores around the house. Let's be real, he's completely restless ALREADY and he's got 2-3 more weeks of recovery. 

So there's been a lot of reminding him to take it easy.

But to see him healthy again. It's amazing. He hasn't taken ANY pain medication at all in the last 2 days. Only the steroid he's supposed to be on and today is the last day of that. 

So amazing that he's moving around and I'm not able to get a good pic of him. 

This break in the weather and his recovery going so well is putting ALL of us in a great mood. 😁

4 Days Post-Op

IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE. THIS IS YOUR WARNING.

We are 4 days post-op for Steve. 

I'll back up since I didn't post right after his surgery. 

This is right after surgery, same day. He's SITTING people! 

I think it was the next day that he said he didn't have any leg pain at all. 

Of course he has pain where his surgery site is, but the horrendous nerve pain going from his left butt cheek down his left leg into his toes is gone. 

Just like that.

The nerve was "crushed" as per the surgeon, and he'll need to regain some strength in that leg from not using it for over a month. He's already noticing strength returning (if I press down on his left big toe, he can actually fight against it now, when before he couldn't at all). 

He had it bandaged up and we were told to leave it on for 3 days. After that, he could shower and we have to keep it clean by wiping it down with hydrogen peroxide 3 times a day. Leaving the dressing off so it can "breathe."

OK HERE'S THE GRAPHIC PIC Y'ALL.

We weren't sure if it would be sutures or staples - the nurse told us it could be either. These will be removed at his post-op appointment on 11/13. Originally the surgeon said the incision would be about an inch and a half. This is much bigger than that! 

It's double that - it's like 3 inches long. Maybe 2.5 inches. 

Today (Sunday) has been a good day.

He's walking more upright and seems to be in less pain overall. We need to remember the rollercoaster that recovery is and that even if today was great, tomorrow may not be. And that's ok. 

But we went to the dump and got rid of all the garbage in our house (don't worry, I loaded the trailer and then did all the unloading and he didn't do anything but drive - and he really wanted to drive, lol). 

Then he walked to our mailbox (500ft) to put in some outgoing mail. 

He gathered the chicken eggs.

The thing is to keep moving. Every 2 hours he's getting up out of his recliner to walk around.

He slept in bed for the first time in 3+weeks Friday night and it went well! He doesn't move, because he can't twist, but he's able to sleep on his side and get himself onto his back without needing help.

He's also able to sleep through the night without waking from pain. I joked with my friends that for a month I had a 215lb newborn baby. Every couple of hours he'd be up needing readjustment or help going to the bathroom, help getting his meds, etc. 

I'm just so happy to see that he's not in pain. Well, not pain like THAT. He says the pain he's in is manageable and at this point, I am happy with that. 

Now that he can be on his back (but not really sitting - more laying back), he can nap and try to catch up on the sleep that he lost. I've also found that I've fallen asleep when watching TV or whatever. That never usually happens, even when I've been waking up early to work out. So I'm just assuming that it's my body catching up on sleep as well. 

He's not planning on going back to work until Black Friday, so he has the next few weeks to really focus on his recovery. 

And he's ABLE TO TAKE BACK HOMESCHOOL DUTIES HALLELUJAH. 

Sitting isn't ideal, but he's able to get them going on some assignments. I have to say, Day 1 back at it and he helped them complete a LOT of missed assignments that I just couldn't keep up with when we were in the thick of it. 

I'll post back on his recovery - probably weekly. We'll see what I'm able to keep up with. 

Surgery Day

We did all the necessary things yesterday to prep for surgery.

I wrapped up my last work day for the week (I'm off Wednesday/Thursday/Friday) and started to prep everything. 

I washed all the laundry in the house.

I made sure he had clean sheets on the mattresses he's been living on for the last 3+ weeks. (I've washed them several times at this point, but the night of they needed to be freshly washed).

His favorite sweat pants/comfy pants have been washed. 

Once sheets were washed, carpets and floors were vacuumed and mopped, I put the dogs away. They have been snuggling with Steve on his mattress for the last few days and let's just say it's...not the cleanest. 

It's not like gross or anything - our dogs aren't that gross but there IS dog hair everywhere. 

The night before Surgery. We watched Ali Wong's standup. She's fucking hilarious. 

Anyway. 

We called and our arrival time is 10:50am.

We thought I'd be allowed to stay with him since it's back surgery and it's just me.

NOPE.

Fuck COVID. 

So I have to drop him off and pick him up. 

Ugh. 

So because of COVID, once we got to the parking lot, we had to call. The receptionist was a LOVELY woman, super nice and funny. But her voice. OMG. It was Roz from Monsters, Inc. 

So now I wait. 

I got our bedroom almost back to normal.

We've been texting and he's just in a room waiting for the surgery to start. He said it'll be closer to 2pm when they finally start. 

UPDATE:

The surgeon called me at 2:50pm and told me all went well. Nothing was unexpected and that "the nerve was crushed." Welp.

I was able to finally talk to him around 3:50 and spoke with the nurse about discharge.

He told me he had ZERO leg pain.

I went and picked up his RX and then went to the hospital parking lot to wait for him.

Got him home and settled - he stayed upright for a bit before this pic was taken. He was to get up every 2 hours unless he's sleeping.

Legit sitting - comfortably - for the first time in weeks. He LOOKS better. 

Thank you to EVERYONE who reached out and sent love. We felt it all. 💖💓💕

1 Day Until Surgery

You guys.

We made it. 

He made it.

I could cry just thinking about how strong my husband is.

Yes, he's a big, burly dude who looks like a criminal some days. 

He's strong in the physical sense. 

Our current situation has shown me another side of him.

I KNOW he's in pain. I can hear it in his voice.

I can see his legs shaking as he tries to change positions. 

Yet, every night as we "get ready for bed" he asks what movie I want to watch and says "date night!"

This man. 😍

He still laughs at the same Seinfeld episodes over and over again. 

All while in pain. 

I have to say though, the last two nights he's been able to make it without having to take his meds in the middle of the night. 

He's not sleeping through the night by any means, but I guess the pain isn't SO bad that he feels he needs the "cocktail" (that's what we've been calling it when he takes all three meds at one time - when timed appropriately). 

On The Last Day, we're supposed to get him clean. 

YES I'M LAUGHING AS I'M TYPING THIS.

I can't help it. 

Steve is mortified. 

Because he clearly cannot do it himself. 

And there's a specific way to do it. 

He needs to shower today and then I need to wipe him down with these wipes.

We call the hospital between 2pm - 5pm to find out what time we're supposed to be there Wednesday morning. 

The morning OF the surgery he's not supposed to shower or shave, but needs to be wiped down again. The poor guy. I seriously feel for him in that regard that he can't do this himself and hates that I have to do it. 

I really try not to make a big deal about it and just do it and thankfully he DOES have a sense of humor and can laugh with me. 

Just one more day of suffering. 

2 Days Until Surgery

I took the girls to my mom's Friday after school. This will give me a little bit of a break. Instead of caring for 3 people, it'll just be one. 

And I also picked up food because moms are awesome like that. 

Friday was absolutely gorgeous. I felt so badly for Steve that he could not enjoy this day. Likely our last nice day of 2020!

It was 80 degrees and sunny out. 

With the kids at my mom's house, Steve and I just hung out the two of us.  I moved my location on our bed so I could "hang out" with him. Poor guy.

Saturday morning I asked him if he wanted me to move his set up out to the living room. 

I always feel guilty "pawning" my kids off to someone else. However, I must remember that this is my mom, their grandmother, who loves them more than life itself. The girls love spending time with their "Popo" and it just melts my heart.

I try to remind my mom not to spoil them too much, but then I try to remember that she's their Grandma and she can spoil them if she wants. She's an adult and knows what she's doing. 

I do warn her to "be strong" and she literally texts me back with "Haha OK" 😂

My mom's house is 5 minutes from the Target I used to frequent when I was younger. Funny how life goes full circle like that. 

They enjoyed a little shopping trip while me and Steve were busy trying to keep him as comfortable as possible and to keep his pain level under a 4. 

After Target they went to the Mall. It's been at least 6 months since my kids have been to the Mall. I made sure to remind them to mask up, not to touch anything and use sanitizer frequently.

I also tried to remind my mom that Christmas is coming and that she should NOT be buying them a ton of new toys. They each scored 3 new outfits and a new doll. 

And of COURSE sorbet at the Mall!

This is one of Steve's traditions with them. Since his schedule allows him days off during the week, before COVID, he'd take the girls (or whomever didn't have school or when they were babies) to the Mall and get sorbet and ride the carousel. I loved that they had this tradition with him. Glad my mom can step in while Steve's out of commission. 

Sunday morning Steve had his COVID test prior to surgery. It was right across from the hospital that's near our house, so super convenient. I dropped him off at the door and he was done in about 5 minutes. 

He said it really wasn't all that unpleasant. He said they swabbed up his nose and almost down his throat and right when he was about to gag, it was over. I guess they warned him that his eyes would start watering and his nose would start running. 

We got there early and got done early as well. We were back home by 10am. 

The plan was to pick up the girls around dinner time so they could do homeschool Monday and Tuesday before going back to my mom's house while Steve had his surgery.

I walked in the door to my mom's and while the girls were super excited to see me, they both asked if they could spend one more night. I told them that they couldn't just do one more night because I didn't want to deal with driving back and forth Monday AND Tuesday AND Wednesday. If they spent the night Sunday night, they were staying until Wednesday evening. 

They agreed.

Ok then. 

I ate some dinner and chatted with mom for a bit before kissing the girls goodbye again. I'm SO grateful they love my mom and feel comfortable being there for days at a time. It's always been a dream of mine to have my village and I finally have it. And the help is just so appreciated. 

Moms are just great like that I guess. I know they'll eat well, get their hair brushed, take showers, etc. while at my mom's house lol. And while I HATE feeding my kids every 2 hours, my mom will thoroughly enjoy it. 😂

And I can "relax" until Surgery Day.

I can focus on work Monday and Tuesday before I'm off for the rest of the week. 

I can focus on Steve and make sure he's ok.

We had him shower Sunday (that's a WIN in our book!)

He won't have to shower again before The Surgery. I'm supposed to wipe him down with these special towelettes lol. 

I'm sure he's gonna love that. 

6 Days Until Surgery

We're barely hanging on. Just barely. 

Like, I'm thisclose to calling 911 all day long.

It's been ROUGH.

I feel absolutely, 100% terrible for Steve. He's in SO much pain and is just simply suffering.

All day long. With very little relief.

He ran out of meds Monday and went until Tuesday at 6pm before he got them refilled. 

He hasn't been able to recover again from that day without any medication in his system.

He had his Pre-Op appointment Wednesday morning at 8am. He had planned to go himself.

But, after Monday and Tuesday we pretty much knew that wasn't going to be possible. 

So I got my ass up at 7am, got the girls out of bed and in the truck and got him to his appointment.

Breakfast in the car - dry cereal, a banana and water. We also started watching Honey I Shrunk the Kids while we wait in the parking lot for Steve during his appt. 

And man, I'm telling ya. We almost didn't make it.

He rode in the truck, in the passenger seat, facing backwards, kneeling over the back of the seat. 

We've been just managing the best we can in our current situation.

This is the position he has been in since Monday (it is Wednesday night at 10pm right now as I type this)

This is how we home school. And work. This is literally my life right now. Steve was attempting to do math with Mila while I was on a call and I could hear the frustration in his voice. So I was able to take a break and focus on my girl and get her through 3 assignments and 2 quizzes. 

I'm desperately trying to hold on. 

I'm trying to keep things in perspective.

Steve will get better.

He will get fixed.

This is fixable.

As much as I try to remind myself of this DAILY. Sometimes HOURLY, I sometimes slump into a funk. I will catch myself crying as I brush my teeth. Or as I'm putting on socks. Or taking out the trash. Whatever. I try REALLY hard not to cry in front of the girls OR Steve just because I don't want them to feel bad. It's not anyone's fault and we just need to get through it. 

But it's fucking hard you guys.

I am literally juggling 2 kids, one man, two dogs, two skinny pigs and 40 chickens. 

Alone.

Like, ALL ALONE.

Cooking.

Cleaning.

Feeding.

Picking up after.

Working full time.

Conference calls.

ACTUAL WORK (proposals, timelines, estimates, communication with clients, vendors and teammates)

Making lunches for the girls' school days.

Making sure homework and school papers are complete and in back packs.

Doing the bedtime routine. 

Doing the morning routine. 

Being mommy and snuggling with my babies. 

Not to mention neither of us are sleeping more than 2-3 hours at a time. So on top of it all, I'm super crabby. 

My heart goes out to caregivers who do this on the daily, for any length of time. 

I've been doing it for 12 days and it's just plain exhausting.

Now let me be clear - I'm not exactly complaining. I'm just saying what's fact. 

It's my responsibility to do it. 

I wouldn't want anyone else to do it.

I do it because I love him and my family and I'll do what I need to do to keep us afloat. 

6 days until The Surgery. 

Waiting For Surgery

You guys.

I'm not even the one dealing with the hard part and it's brutal.

This poor man.

We have 9 days until The Surgery That's Supposed To Give Him Relief. 

We are counting down the days.

We have gotten into a "routine" of sorts. 

It's rough. I don't even know how he's coping.

The days are all over the place in terms of how he's feeling.

Some days he'll "wake up" feeling "ok" and when I say that, he tells me he's at a Pain Level 2-3 (out of 10). And he man doesn't sleep for more than 1-3 hours at a time. If he gets 3 hours in a row, we count that as a win.

If he remains in one position for too long (more than say, an hour?) he will have a hard time moving from that position and he's at a Pain Level 5-6. 

He's feeling more and more restless, too. I don't blame him.

There's only so much TV one can watch. 

And, through all of this, he can still say to me "at least I get to be home with family for a while, I'm enjoying spending all this time with you" THIS MAN. 😭

He's in SO much pain and that's what he thinks of. 

On one of the days when he was at least walking, he picked up some games and toys for the girls.

We have enjoyed several "Family Nights" lately. 

Thank goodness for my mom - she has been cooking for us so I don't have to cook more than like once a week. Moms are awesome like that. 

We told Ava that her greasy, sticky fingers were NOT allowed. (And WOOF check out the bags under my eyes! Ha!)