Eating Chicken and Rice Tonight, Chink?

This post is hard to write. 

Eight people were gunned down last week.

Six of whom were of Asian descent.

A clear hate crime.

An individual walked up into these Asian-owned spas and opened fire. 

49-year-old Xiaojie Tan of Kennesaw

Delaina Ashley Yaun, 33, of Acworth

Paul Andre Michels, 54, of Atlanta

Daoyou Feng, 44

Elcias R. Hernandez-Ortiz, 30, of Acworth, was also shot but survived.

Soon Chung Park, 74

Hyun Jung Grant, 51

Suncha Kim, 69

Yong Ae Yue, 63

I don't have words.

I'm afraid for my mom, my sister, and my kids. And all the other Asian Americans who are being targeted.

I vividly recall growing up and on a daily basis, being made fun of because of my ethnicity. Constantly being asked if I was "eating chicken and rice for dinner" every single day. 

I was literally called a "Chink" daily when I was in elementary school. 

DAILY, people. 

I remember wondering why my being Chinese was such an issue to people. 

My parents would tell me to be proud and stand up for myself. 

Easier said than done. 

I was blessed with a fierce personality and even though I hung my head in those early years, it wasn't long before I was standing up for myself. 

You know what's crazy? Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I didn't fit the norm of a "typical" Asian American daughter of a nurse and pharmacist. 

I didn't play piano (anymore).

I didn't play viola (anymore) or violin.

I was not in a math league.

In fact, dare I say, I struggled in school?

Let's just say I didn't apply myself and spent time skipping classes and smoking blunts (sorry, Dad!)

I was urged by teachers "to be more like your sister" - who graced the same schools I did 5 years prior to me, and she was a bright student.

A quiet, brilliant, girl.

She was great at math.

Why couldn't I be more like her? 

And come to find out girlfriend is Autistic and has a developmental delay. 

But she fit the mold, you see?

And I didn't.

And her diagnosis didn't come until she was 40. 

She fit the mold so well no one bothered to diagnose her with anything, all while she struggled socially and never really "fit in" with anyone. 

Anyway.

Do you know what it's like to have someone shout from their car window as you're walking in a parking lot with your mom "go back to your own country, chink!" 

Like, seriously - from doing nothing but walking in a parking lot. 

That has happened to me more times than I can fucking count. 

Either directed at me or my mom, if I was with her. 

Going to a predominantly white school and being asked daily if I was eating dog for dinner. 

It's like "chink" was called out to me so blatantly...I'm a little shocked thinking back to why no one ever stopped it? 

I now live in a predominantly white area - pretty rural compared to a lot of towns around me. And more rural than the suburbs I grew up in.

I'm so afraid for my girls.

I'm actually really afraid for my mom too. She goes to the grocery store alone frequently. 

Ugh. I hate that I'm even typing this.

It just breaks my fucking heart.