That's how long my marriage lasted before I served my husband divorce papers.
But in reality? My marriage ended about 2 years ago.
Documenting this process is completely weird, sad, depressing. But maybe in a year I can come back and see how far I've come.
I went to see the attorney on a beautiful Thursday afternoon.
This time I walked in more confident.
Not only did I know where the office was within the building complex (the first time I got a little lost and turned around!) so I didn't have that added anxiety, but this time felt different. I felt stronger.
It was still devastating, don't get me wrong. It was sad. One of the saddest days of my life. Now I have two of those days. One from my mom and one from my husband.
The two people in the world who weren't supposed to hurt me.
But I wasn't scared.
Not like that first time I walked into her office and cried my eyes out about what had happened and asked for a legal separation from my husband.
This time I came prepared with my 7-page written letter to Steve. Outlining my requests.
I only cried a little.
My attorney asked questions. I answered. She took notes.
She sent me a statement of net worth form to fill out.
I had to send her a picture of Steve so he could get served.
That was the hardest part. Providing a picture so the processor would be able to identify him when he is served. I picked a picture I had taken of him while we were on that last vacation before I found anything out. A picture that made me think of the "before" but also wondering how he could smile so carefree as if our life was great.
Then I waited.
And I hated not telling Steve that I had started this process. It was SO hard not telling him the truth.
And I had to remind myself constantly that he had lied to me for more than half our marriage and that if he could live life like that and look me in the eyes every day....I could keep this little secret until I was ready.
My secret was to preserve my health and happiness. And to make sure my girls got the best mom possible. I owe that to them.
His secret is was took it all away.
Steve was served with divorce papers on Monday, August 19 at 9:15am. I watched the processor drive down my driveway, walk up to my front door. Verify Steve's identity, then walk away.
It was horrendous.
It was worse telling our children that our marriage had failed. That I had spent the prior two years completely faking it for the sake of figuring things out. That I wasn't happy or healthy and that because of their dad's continuous, pathological lying for the past 8+ years, mom didn't trust him anymore.
I know they deserve a healthy and happy mom. They are resiliant kids and I know this decision is for the betterment of all of us. Steve needs to get help and find peace in his soul. He needs to learn how to take accountability for his actions and also realize there are consequences. Something he never learned growing up.
I need to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, come to terms with the fact that my dream with this man is no longer. I have to make sure I'm ok. If I'm ok, I know my girls will be ok.
There are a ton of logistics when it comes to separating a life you've built over the course of 19 years.
Due to the "wasteful dissapation on marital funds without the wife's knowledge or consent" that is written in our divorce papers, he's not getting anything.
But I'm not asking for anything either. Because this is the father of my children and I don't hate him. I don't want child support and I'm making sure he waives spousal support (because NYS is so fucked up that if he wanted spousal support, I would have to pay HIM $385 per month because my salary is higher than his. Even though he spent literally every penny we had ever made and racked up $200K in credit card debt and in pesonal loans and cash advances - and that's not even the worst part!) That's his story to tell and if you know him IRL you may ask him. Who knows if he'll tell the truth though.
I want my girls to have a decent life with him after our split. I don't want to destroy their lives any more than I have to.
I hate this so much. But I also know that I NEED to be happy. Two years of complete misery is OVER and I have to make the moves to make my life and my girls' lives better.
I spent the last two years going to therapy, helping to pay off this insane amount of debt, rebuild my credit and get myself in a place where I can exit this marriage. You guys, he took out loans in my name ALONE. I keep telling him "you're welcome" that I haven't pressed charges against him for that.
He refuses to go to therapy, yet offers marriage counseling. No dude, our marriage is not the problem. I go to therapy, he suggests marriage counseling, but does not think he, himself needs therapy? Ok, bud. Make that make sense.
So the ONE good thing out of this? I mean other than finally being able to find peace and happiness....is that I'll be 100% debt free in a couple of weeks. Like, literally owe nothin' to no one. And that, my friends, feels pretty dang good.
I will have to work until I'm 90 though, so there's that. Thankfully he was unable to access my existing 401K or I'm sure he would've drained that, too.
Here's to picking up the pieces, putting my big girl undies on and tackling life alone, as a single mom.
Here's to the next chapter.
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