This post is both incredibly sad and yet incredibly exciting all at the same time. I never knew I could feel two emotions that are on such oppposite ends of the spectrum, but, here I am.
During the last month, while I've been preparing for the dissolution of my marriage, I found an apartment.
I hate that I'm paying more than my mortgage (that I currently split with Steve) to live in apartment that is less than half the square footage of my house. My "dream" house at the time I bought it. My forever home. I said I would never move again. I swore they'd have to take my dead body out of this house.
I went back and forth on what kind of place I could see myself and the girls in. I know I can't buy a house right away - I don't want the pressure of being homeless while trying to find the "right one." I want to do something easy for right now. I do NOT have the mental capacity to worry about anything additional.
I went to my first apartment tour just to get my bearings. I have never lived in an apartment complex, other than college. I have never lived in anything new, either.
The first one was just ok. It was renovated, which was nice, but it was tiny. Two bedroom. Two bath. Tiny. If it's going to be a two bedroom, it'd have to be a bit larger since my girls would have to share a room. We'd be on top of each other. It just needed a little more breathing room. Especially since I work from home...I'm home a lot. I don't want to feel trapped. That is a huge trigger of mine.
This rent was just under my mortgage. Gross. And it did not include utilities. A washer and dryer in unit would cost an additional $100 (or I could buy my own).
The second place I toured was...um...nothing short of amazing.
Brand new complex, just outside of town in a rural area.
The Clubhouse alone was absolutely outrageous.
Three bedroom, two bath, washer/dryer in unit. Water, sewer, trash, cable/Internet is included in the rent. 24-hour maintenance (I hope that means a maintenance man named something like Miguel who would be able to you know, service anything that I might need, lol). 24-hour gym. Pool. Pickle ball court, mini bowling alley, golf simulator.
And it's gorgeous, to boot.
Oh and it has a huge balcony and an extra large one-car garage.
Landscaping is included, but I can also plant my own flowers.
The bus comes right to the driveway, pretty much.
And the unit I chose backs to some green space, not directly into another unit, which is nice.
Here's to the next chapter. Here's to finding peace and happiness again.
Here's to healing so I can be the best mom I can be to the two best little people in the world - they deserve nothing but the best I can do.
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| The day I signed my contract and put down a deposit. Mixed feelings of course. |
I try to stop and soak up every time I drive down my driveway. To enjoy the scenery of my backyard and the remember that feeling that first time we laid our eyes on the property and knew we wanted to live there.
Even though it wasn't the easiest, I thoroughly loved living at that house. I loved creating a mini farm and enjoying the fruits of my labor.
I loved that my kids are "country kids" and know how to be outside and get dirty. I love that we've been able to give them that life.
Sadness comes when I realize that because Steve is buying me out of the house (he has no money, his parents are giving him his inheritance early) it's ME leaving the family home. That breaks my heart.
But I also know that I can't be happy there. I can't heal in the same place I was abused. I can't enjoy what I've built knowing that while I was trying to hard to build this life, he was tearing it down brick by brick.
So I am looking forward to no (or easy) maintenance living. 24-hour maintenance. 24-hour gym. Snow plowing in the winter, landscape stuff in the summer and I'm still allowed to plant my own flowers. I can't wait to walk around my new little neighborhood to check it out.
Food deliveries and Instacart. WHAT?
And it's brand new. As in, still being built and I'll be the very first tenant when I move in on October 1.
I am getting estimates from moving companies because I do not want to deal with that shit.
I will be taking what I feel is mine from the house. I'm glad we have two sets of furniture for the girls, I'll take the bunkbed set we have. I want some new things, but I don't want to have to buy new for all of it.
I'm also SO busy right before and after my move. I go to Boston for work the week before I move. And then I have my BFF's wife's 40th birthday party I'm helping him with the weekend AFTER I move.
So much going on. But it's ok. It's a good distraction from all the legal shit that's happening in the background as it relates to the divorce and buyout.
My lease is for one year.
I know my life will be in a significantly different place that it is now. I just have to have patience and trust in myself that I'm making the right choices for myself and my kids.
It's been sad. Freeing. I don't know how to feel. This was the house I was supposed to retire in. The house where my babies got to grow up in. I'm glad they get to stay in their home, this house was bought for them.
But it's really weird to know it will no longer be my home in 2 weeks.
I officially signed my lease with my rental. I got my renter's insurance, got on my own auto policy, got accounts opened for gas and electric. I will get my key fobs at 8:15am on 10/1 and movers arrive to my house at 9am.
It's getting real, folks.
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